Life is but a blur

It’s been almost a year since my journey of living with cancer took the inevitable turn. Easter Sunday 2014, I couldn’t ignore the pain anymore. My brother and his family came over for the holiday at which I mostly parked my hurting body on the oversized recliner. For the most part, I was able to smile through the pain with all the love that surrounded me, but after they left, the pain intensified.

Mom was resting on the sofa, while I softly prayed. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I tough it out as I usually did or should I ask her to take me to the ER? I wasn’t convinced much would be accomplished there so what would be the point? A sharp throbbing pain reverberated through my back speaking volumes. By the end of a long night, I was admitted to the hospital where the RN’s assigned to my room, put down “Pain Control” as the go-forward plan.

Since that night, time has been mostly a blur. There has been progress and there has been set backs. There has been a kind emergency doctor with the most gentle bedside manner. I refer to him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If he had his way, I would have left this earth nine months ago.

For a time, I fought a good fight. Then I threw in the towel, begging my family and anyone who would listen to me to consider taking me to a respite home. Just for a few days, I would say, so mom can rest, too. But they wouldn’t listen. Instead they scolded and challenged me. Encouraged by their love and belief in me and driven by the support of my hospice team, I began to push myself.

While there is a lot I’m still unable to do on my own (and I mean A LOT), with God’s strength and faithfulness, my stamina is slowly building. I still hold on to hope. There are moments of clarity, but often times I feel I’m living in a dream. It makes it difficult to concentrate.

Mom has been fabulously supportive. I don’t know how she does this. She’s given up so much of her life to take care of me. She is often tethered at home as she doesn’t like to leave me for any length of time unless there is someone whowill be watching me. How do I even begin to thank her for all she does?

She is a big reason I fight every day. Fight to grow stronger. Fight to regain my independence. Fight to walk again. Fight to remain clear. With God holding my right hand, I know my dreams can come true. Life won’t remain a blur. 16839442750_2fd399e2b9_z

<a href="https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_photo_challenge/blur/">Blur</a>

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